Good bye, Daddy...

My father died today. Well, yesterday, I guess. May 22, 2011 @ 10:00pm. I was sitting at home, had just finished dinner, and my phone rang. I saw the Hospice on caller ID, and I knew. But I expected to be wrong! I have jumped every time my phone has rung this past month, expecting some awful news. But each time, it was something else.. Change in meds, need me to sign papers, doctor wanted to talk about whatever.. But this time, they said "He's dying. Do you want to come?" And by the time I got there, he was gone. My father is gone! My dad!! My daddy!! I've expected this, but it still feels wrong. How can my father be dead!? I almost still feel like I need to go see him tomorrow. I saw him yesterday, and I was going next tomorrow! I wonder how long I will do this .. Be fine, be numb, know what I'm doing, be completely lost ... I want to talk to my daddy!! To hug him, hold his hand. He was supposed to get better!!! I'm sad, angry, scared, confused, lost, and all of them all over again. I don't know what to do. And there's nothing I can do. Right now, I think I'm just going to get in bed. And I think I'll stay there for a while.