I have that same tight, rotten pain in my chest again that comes with bad depression. You know that feeling when something makes you sad and you start to tear up and your breath catches in your throat? Well, I have that feeling non-stop. I know it's more of a chemical depression than a situational one. Sure, I have more than enough going on to qualify for situational depression, but I can tell. It feels different. Of course, the situational stuff just isn't letting up. The hospital discharged my dad to a nursing home, who then turned around and sent him to another hospital. We had a pretty good visit with him yesterday. He was alert and communicative, and he hasn't been for a couple of weeks. The last hospital had him so medicated that he was asleep all the time. And they were surprised he wasn't eating! Well, now he's more alert because a lot of those meds have been stopped. He still can't move his right side, and he still has significant memory deficits. The problem now is that he has just enough memory and cognitive function to think he's fine ... but he its really not! So, the weekend had come and gone again, and again, I don't feel at all rested. I can't tell you how much I don't want to have to go to work tomorrow. All week, I try to maker it to the weekend, and then the weekend is gone and it starts all over again. No change, no end in sight. There is no motivation left in me. I started crying tonight because my husband was looking for something and got frustrated when he couldn't find it. It wasn't anything important, but the sound of him being irritated filled me with instant panic. No good reason. I'm just wound so damn tight lately that anything can set me off.
While writing this, my husband stopped in the doorway to say "I love you." I must've jumped the feet off the bed! Talk about being wound too tight! The psychological term is "exaggerated startle response," and I got it in spades! I asked him to come sit with me for a while. He did, of course. And then he acted like me and told me to say three things that are great about my life! Turning the therapy on the therapist! The cheater! But the best thing he did was just lay here with me. I got his shirt a little soggy, but he didn't say anything. He just held me. That's why I can't really complain about him if he does something that bugs me. At the end of the day, he's so wonderful to me! I have a lot I complain about. I really need to spend more time thinking about the wonderful things I have! I think tonight I'll end on that note. A happy one.
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