It's just a really bad day..

Second post in one day. Getting through work was hard. I don't know if working from home is a plus when you're depressed or not. I mean, on one hand, I don't have to worry about putting on a smiling face to make other people feel better. On the other hand, isolating and being alone are not the best ways to get out of depression. But today, I am very depressed. My husband and I will be heading out in an hour or so for our weekly trivia night with friends. All I want to do is stay home and just be alone. I won't. I know I'll feel better later if I do go. But right now, I want to rip my heart out of my chest!! That's where I feel it when my depression gets really bad. I actually imagine cutting it out. Of course, in that fantasy, the pain of the cut makes the other pain ease, and there is no bleeding or pesky side effects like death! I'm not suicidal at all. I want to be alive. Happy and alive. The problem is I don't feel like I am. Death certainly won't fix that! So don't worry! No death wishes here. Just life wishes. But I admit I often have the sneaky intrusive thought about how people who have died don't have to deal with all this shit!! But then I think about the people who died who fought to live! I lost two friends this year from breast cancer. Elizabeth died in February and Tracie passed in March. Both of them were under 35, and both of them were passionate about life! I didn't see either one of them as often as I would have liked. But I miss them both so very much!!!! Being sad missing them hurts, but it feels like a healthy hurt. Does that make sense? This depression I have that doesn't have a specific foundation feels rotten! Maybe seeing my dad yesterday triggered it this time, or maybe it's hormonal, or maybe it just happened for no reason at all. I don't know. But what causes it doesn't matter. Other than the genetic luck of the draw of being prone to major depression, there really isn't a cause. And that sucks, because it means I have no way to protect against it. I mean, there are things you can do to help manage depression, but when it hits, it just hits. And it SUCKS!!! Crying doesn't help, it just makes your face soggy. And it sometimes feels like it makes the pervasive sadness worse. And just like weight loss, the best things to do to fight it are that much harder to do because of it! Strangely enough, though, I think this literary wallowing has actually helped! I've never actually described in detail how my depression felt before. I mean, who wants to hear that, right? But I feel better now that I've done it. Which is good, because I like our trivia night!