Still...

This last month has been a bit of a blur. After the initial flurry of telling family and friends about my dad, and the fairly pathetic dinner that really wasn't much of a memorial, I have pretty much tried to not think about things. I took week off from work to do ... whatever it was I was supposed to do. I slept a lot! My husband had been dealing with bills and probate and stuff. I just can't. Some days I'm completely fine. Other days I can't stop thinking of my dad, how it's just not true, how I shouldn't be just going on with my life.. It hurts so much! Everyone says out will get better, that I'll still feel what I've been feeling but it will be less frequent and less intense as time goes on. I'm sure they're right. But what I want is for my dad to be here and to be well!! I sure wish I could get what I want more often!

Good bye, Daddy...

My father died today. Well, yesterday, I guess. May 22, 2011 @ 10:00pm. I was sitting at home, had just finished dinner, and my phone rang. I saw the Hospice on caller ID, and I knew. But I expected to be wrong! I have jumped every time my phone has rung this past month, expecting some awful news. But each time, it was something else.. Change in meds, need me to sign papers, doctor wanted to talk about whatever.. But this time, they said "He's dying. Do you want to come?" And by the time I got there, he was gone. My father is gone! My dad!! My daddy!! I've expected this, but it still feels wrong. How can my father be dead!? I almost still feel like I need to go see him tomorrow. I saw him yesterday, and I was going next tomorrow! I wonder how long I will do this .. Be fine, be numb, know what I'm doing, be completely lost ... I want to talk to my daddy!! To hug him, hold his hand. He was supposed to get better!!! I'm sad, angry, scared, confused, lost, and all of them all over again. I don't know what to do. And there's nothing I can do. Right now, I think I'm just going to get in bed. And I think I'll stay there for a while.

More disjointed nonsense..

How do you know if your depression is because of things going on in your life or if it's just chemical? Does it really matter? I feel sad today. Had a bit of a disappointment last night. Nothing major, but it doesn't take much to trigger an "episode." My husband had gotten the idea to look at condos and townhomes that are currently being sold at less than $40K, and he had talked to his parents about lending us the cash to get one. Originally they said yes. So we started looking and found a property that was promising. Matt called his dad to tell him about it, and his dad got antsy and changed his mind. It wouldn't have been a problem if he had just said no to start with. But to get our hopes up and then shit on them like this really pisses me off! Of course, Matt was upset. And when Matt gets upset, I get even worse upset.. Matt has no middle ground. He goes zero to sixty and back again pretty quickly. But when he hits sixty, I panic, and I tend to stay there for days! Meanwhile, he's been essentially fine since about five minutes after the whole thing started! So now, he's a bit frustrated, is pretty sure his dad will change his mind again, and is in "wait and see" mode. I, on the other hand, have gotten re-depressed about everything, our financial issues, our housing issues, our personal issues.. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure that today's depression is predominantly chemical with some real life catalysts. I start thinking about what I don't have ... then feel stupid and guilty because I really have a lot! But I get really bogged down on what I don't have! Money is tight, but we're not starving! Our condo is tiny, but we have a roof over our heads! But seriously, I'm 41, I've been essentially supporting my husband and myself since we started out, he's been out of work for a year, the part time job he just started sounds completely dead ended (but at least he is doing something!), and I am "chained to the grind stone" (my husband's words). Believe me, I feel it! Our money is tight because I am the only one making any! We're desperate to get into a place bigger than a closet, and our friends, mostly younger than us, are thinking of spending $30K on investments or a basement remodel! And that same $30K could get us a home! They're traveling to Europe, and we're lucky if we get to drive out of town for a weekend.. And again, I think "but we have a roof, and clothes, and food .." so how can I complain?

There's more. There's always more. But I think that's all I got for now..

Fun read, isn't it!?

I should be happy...

I have that same tight, rotten pain in my chest again that comes with bad depression. You know that feeling when something makes you sad and you start to tear up and your breath catches in your throat? Well, I have that feeling non-stop. I know it's more of a chemical depression than a situational one. Sure, I have more than enough going on to qualify for situational depression, but I can tell. It feels different. Of course, the situational stuff just isn't letting up. The hospital discharged my dad to a nursing home, who then turned around and sent him to another hospital. We had a pretty good visit with him yesterday. He was alert and communicative, and he hasn't been for a couple of weeks. The last hospital had him so medicated that he was asleep all the time. And they were surprised he wasn't eating! Well, now he's more alert because a lot of those meds have been stopped. He still can't move his right side, and he still has significant memory deficits. The problem now is that he has just enough memory and cognitive function to think he's fine ... but he its really not! So, the weekend had come and gone again, and again, I don't feel at all rested. I can't tell you how much I don't want to have to go to work tomorrow. All week, I try to maker it to the weekend, and then the weekend is gone and it starts all over again. No change, no end in sight. There is no motivation left in me. I started crying tonight because my husband was looking for something and got frustrated when he couldn't find it. It wasn't anything important, but the sound of him being irritated filled me with instant panic. No good reason. I'm just wound so damn tight lately that anything can set me off.

While writing this, my husband stopped in the doorway to say "I love you." I must've jumped the feet off the bed! Talk about being wound too tight! The psychological term is "exaggerated startle response," and I got it in spades! I asked him to come sit with me for a while. He did, of course. And then he acted like me and told me to say three things that are great about my life! Turning the therapy on the therapist! The cheater! But the best thing he did was just lay here with me. I got his shirt a little soggy, but he didn't say anything. He just held me. That's why I can't really complain about him if he does something that bugs me. At the end of the day, he's so wonderful to me! I have a lot I complain about. I really need to spend more time thinking about the wonderful things I have! I think tonight I'll end on that note. A happy one.

It's just a really bad day..

Second post in one day. Getting through work was hard. I don't know if working from home is a plus when you're depressed or not. I mean, on one hand, I don't have to worry about putting on a smiling face to make other people feel better. On the other hand, isolating and being alone are not the best ways to get out of depression. But today, I am very depressed. My husband and I will be heading out in an hour or so for our weekly trivia night with friends. All I want to do is stay home and just be alone. I won't. I know I'll feel better later if I do go. But right now, I want to rip my heart out of my chest!! That's where I feel it when my depression gets really bad. I actually imagine cutting it out. Of course, in that fantasy, the pain of the cut makes the other pain ease, and there is no bleeding or pesky side effects like death! I'm not suicidal at all. I want to be alive. Happy and alive. The problem is I don't feel like I am. Death certainly won't fix that! So don't worry! No death wishes here. Just life wishes. But I admit I often have the sneaky intrusive thought about how people who have died don't have to deal with all this shit!! But then I think about the people who died who fought to live! I lost two friends this year from breast cancer. Elizabeth died in February and Tracie passed in March. Both of them were under 35, and both of them were passionate about life! I didn't see either one of them as often as I would have liked. But I miss them both so very much!!!! Being sad missing them hurts, but it feels like a healthy hurt. Does that make sense? This depression I have that doesn't have a specific foundation feels rotten! Maybe seeing my dad yesterday triggered it this time, or maybe it's hormonal, or maybe it just happened for no reason at all. I don't know. But what causes it doesn't matter. Other than the genetic luck of the draw of being prone to major depression, there really isn't a cause. And that sucks, because it means I have no way to protect against it. I mean, there are things you can do to help manage depression, but when it hits, it just hits. And it SUCKS!!! Crying doesn't help, it just makes your face soggy. And it sometimes feels like it makes the pervasive sadness worse. And just like weight loss, the best things to do to fight it are that much harder to do because of it! Strangely enough, though, I think this literary wallowing has actually helped! I've never actually described in detail how my depression felt before. I mean, who wants to hear that, right? But I feel better now that I've done it. Which is good, because I like our trivia night!

Another day, not too different from all the others..

See, I told you I wouldn't post with any regularity. Things are still pretty crappy, with brief spotting of nice in between. But it's still the same shit over and over and over again. I sit at work all day, my husband sleeps. I know he hates not having a job, and it's been about a year. It's hard not to resent him. He's either asleep, or playing on the computer. And anything that needs to be done, he doesn't do or takes a long time to do partly because of the ADD and partly because he's gotten to the point that just thinking about doing anything makes him anxious. I can't get too upset at that, because I understand it completely. And I hate that he's having to go through it. I know he'd rather it be different. But I'm still here having to get out of bed and be professional every day. And my heart is not in it. Not in getting out of bed. Not in talking to anyone. Not in anything. My dad's in the hospital, going on two months now. He got better, he got worse, and visiting him triggers massive depression for me. Which, of course, makes me feel guilty, because he certainly feels worse about being in the hospital that I do! Other than one friend, and occasionally my crazy brother, I'm the only one who goes to see him. No other family. Not my sister, not my step-mother, no family "friends," just me. I feel completely impotent, and I'm at the point where I hate going ... which, of course, makes me feel guilty, because he needs me to be there! I just want to crawl into a dark hole, squeeze into an even darker crevice in the back, curl up, and ... wish it would all go away...

A little bit of insight into the craziness that is me, I even feel guilty for writing something completely depressing! Like I should leave you with something uplifting, or make a joke or something. I wish I were as good at taking care of myself as I try to be at taking care of others. I wish wishes were real. (I wish my fucking Prozac would kick in!!)

Just beginning..

Well, I've tried the occasional journaling experiment. I'll write a little here, a little there, but I never really kept it up. I figure, why not try a blog? Who knows if anyone but me will read it. But if someone does, maybe I can get some feedback for my life.

I had plenty of thoughts swirling around when I started writing today. Unfortunately, I'm working, too. And I was interrupted with the pesky work! Multiple times, actually. So, now I have too many thoughts: life, work, noise outside... So I'll have to continue this introduction to my fractured psyche later. But rest assured, there will be plenty of happy, sad, confused, angry, terrified, thrilled, and crazy to go around!